Freedom
by bibi 13ca
Summary: Elena thinks the switch on her humanity brought her freedom, but is she right or will the feeling turn against her?


**N: Here is one-shot written together with my friend Lacra. The dialogues belong entirely to me, a lot of the rest it's hers. I will be keeping this open for another chapter in case my friend decides to keep going. **

**Sorry for any mistakes you might find, it is not beta-ed.**

**Don't forget to review…please.**

* * *

**The price of freedom**

_Free_. That is exactly what you feel at this moment. Lying in the grass, aware of everything around, every smell, every motion, every noise and every beating heart, you are wondering what took you so long to notice everything. It fascinates you; the world around you seems to have shifted into a new one by the time you woke up. You have been a vampire for moths and yet up until now, you have not taken the time to actually put those acute senses to the test. A shame, really, because everything it's just breathtaking. The green of the grass has never had a brighter shade, the yellow and the soft pink of the daffodils had never looked more delicate and the blue sky has never been clearer. It's not just sight; the smell envelops you, transporting your mind and soul – if you still have one – into a world of sensations. Everything, just _everything_ captivates you, and for the time being you want to do just that, appreciate, notice and feel the whole world as if you are experiencing it for the first time. You are like a new born child; even the most common things get you excited.

Your emotions are no longer there to mess with your head. No wonder they were ruining everything; always worried, always suffering, mourning and fighting for your life and for those around you. You were so scared, all the time. Not anymore. No more feelings to drag you down; you are finally free. It's surreal how light you feel without your humanity. You never knew a person's humanity could weight so much. There is no surprise that vampires cannot wait to get rid of those nasty feelings and emotions; they are nothing but useless baggage.

A bird flies right over you and thanks to your sharp vampire reflexes and speed you catch it before it has time to pass over your head. The bird becomes still as a trinket in your hands, you guess it's a defence mechanism. You whisper to the bird that your intentions are not to harm it in any way. All you want is to study it, not kill it. Beautiful and unique colors are dispersed all over the bird's neck and chest. The softness of its feathers is caressing your fingers and you take a moment to just enjoy the sensation. The yellow-orange color of its beak makes you smile. You remember painting birds with oversized beaks as you were a child. You were never good with painting or drawing; that was your brother's talent, he was great at it. The question is: what are _you_ good at? You remember that you used to write, but that stopped a long time ago. Maybe you can pick that up again…but would it work? Don't writers need to feel in order to be able to write? Or can someone write about feelings without actually feeling them?

It just hits you that you have no clue how the whole switch-off thing works. No one gave you a one-on-one about the functioning of a vampire's turn off of their humanity. You are wondering if you are the one controlling it, or Damon. Would he just turn it back on when he realizes he doesn't like you like this? No; not Damon. The silly thought makes you giggle all by yourself. He will suffer and die a little inside every time he looks at you, he will probably end up by doing something really stupid and irrational. He will destroy himself, but keep going, probably pick up on finding that stupid cure you don't want. That damn cure got you where you are in the first place. That is what Damon will do. Damon is…Damon and nothing and no one will ever change that. Just like that, he will not try to change you, to fix you, like everyone else. He won't complain or judge you; he will just be there for you, as he always is. That's your Damon…probably ending up picking up the pieces when everything falls apart – because it's your life and at one point or another something will make everything turn upside-down.

Stefan on the other side will most definitely freak out. He will complain and he will try to control you and change you. You remember him telling you – a long time ago – that he trusted you and he will let you make your own decisions. You believed that then, because it was what you needed to hear, but it meant nothing. Despite everything Stefan said to you, he doesn't trust you and you don't know if he ever will, he lied to you…but that's what you two do. You lie to each other because neither of you can handle the truth. That has changed now, you grew up, and you changed. Now you are strong enough to handle anything. Stefan is still scared. He is scared you love Damon – which you do. Even if you don't feel it at the moment, you know you love that man. He is scared you will lose yourself, afraid that you will turn into him. Hell he is afraid every newly turned vampire might turn into him – like someone actually heard of a lot of vampires ripping people apart just to put them back together a minute later. What Stefan doesn't understand – or just refuses to understand – is that you are nothing like him. If there is a vampire you might turn into it will be Damon, not Stefan. Sometimes it amazes you…how much like Damon you actually are. Everything he has ever done becomes clear to you. You understand him now, like you never understood anyone in your entire life, or undead life.

The bird in your hands plucks up courage and pinches you with its tiny, orange beak. You realize it just wants its freedom back. That you can understand, so you just let it go, watching it fly away long after you cannot see it anymore.

As you pull yourself off the ground you hear shy steps approaching. You don't need to think about it or guess you know it's Caroline. She and Stefan had been babysitting you even since your humanity went on vacation.

"Hey, there you are." She smiles sweetly at you – one of those "Caroline Forbs smiles" that you never actually understood.

"Oh, Caroline, your perfume is way too sweet for my empty stomach," you complain and Caroline's smile disappears. You enjoy the change of color on her face. Even since you don't have to worry about what other people think, about spearing their feelings and making sure you won't hurt anyone, you are finally speaking your mind.

"Sorry, I was just –"

"Worried about me? Yeah, yeah, I know, join the Stefan team." You make a fake surprised face. "Wait a minute, you already did. You guys must be beasties since personal details from my life are being shared." Her face is priceless and you just wished you had a camera to capture the moment. Caroline doesn't say anything, but it's not like you actually expected her too. People will have to take their sweet time and get used to this new, bold you. All of a sudden you are wondering if Damon would've appreciated your daring honesty. He probably would've. He is the one using it. Out of everyone around you, the only one you could always count to tell you the naked truth no matter how painful, was Damon. "I'm going to find something, or batter someone, warm to eat. See you tomorrow at school. We have cheerleading practice at two, after English, right?"

"Yes, I…yeah," Caroline mumbles. You haven't seen her so disturbed or confused since she was human. It's quite amusing. "Good," you say and go your way before you do more damage to your friend.

***DE***

Damon is on top of you and you are laughing. You are laughing like you haven's laughed since your parents died. The liberating sensation laughter gives you it's just amazing.

"So then, she got close to my face," Damon goes on as you stop laughing too loud for him to talk. He is telling you stories about drunk or high girls he's fed on. You find them hilarious and just for split second you think about how these same stories would terrify you if your humanity was still there.

"How close?" you ask giggling.

"This close," his face comes inches away from yours. "And she says: your eyes are so weird. I think she thought I was high too," you both start laughing like children. You are in New York and you are enjoying every second of it. The two of you got here three days ago. As always, Damon is there for you without the wish to put you in a leash. He is the one that gave you your freedom and now, he is the one taking care of it.

"Where to tonight?" you ask. Even since you arrived in New York, Damon took you to every old bar, fancy bar or club he has been to in is switched-off days. You are more than grateful for everything he is doing for you. You are having a great time, you are starting to understand Damon better and no one is there to try to stop you…still, something is missing. You know what it is, but there is nothing you can do about it. It's your damned humanity. You miss the way you feel about the man lying now beside you. You miss the connection between the two of you, the excitement that comes from every touch. He still makes you burn from inside out, he still gets you horny, but it's different. Your need for him now is driven by an animalistic, pure physical instinct. It doesn't come from emotions, love and all consuming passion. You curse yourself for missing that.

"Damon?" his name comes off your lips in a serious way and just like that, all his attention turns to you. His mesmerising eyes are watching you, waiting for you to be ready. It feels like the poor guy is always waiting for you. First he waited for you to admit you feel something, then he waited for you to pick him, he waited for the cure to get rid of the sire bond and now he is waiting for your humanity to kick back in.

"How does it work?" you ask and he raises an eyebrow at you. His eyes are keeping you silent, keeping you steady.

"How does what work?" even though you both know what your question refers to, you're beating around the bush. So alike…when it comes down to serious things, down to feelings, you both panic and put up a façade.

"The switch. Is it like a button that I can turn on and off as I please?" you explain even if no explanations are needed.

"No. No, it's not. I wish it was this simple, Elena, but it's not. At first it's easy, but with time it becomes harder and harder to keep that switch off. A lot of us pretend it's off, but the reality is different."

"How did you turn your humanity back on?" you ask and Damon is silent for a while. Just when you give up on his answer, his deep, smooth voice caresses your ear cells.

"It was you." for a second you feel like running. For an entire second you give away your freedom and let in the fear, the love, the hate, the grief…everything. As soon as the second passes you are back and everything's ok again. "Look, it's great at first, but then you miss it…you miss carrying, you miss friendship and love and passion. When that happens, you let it in and with the good things come the bad ones and before you know it you're right back where you started, full of humanity."

"Me…" it's not a question, more of a repetition to make sure you heard it right. You did that to him, you took away his freedom.

"Yes, you. I met you and I felt something for you. I didn't even realize it until it was too late; I was already falling in love with you."

"What if it's Stefan?"

"What?"

"What if's Stefan for me? The one who will make me turn on my humanity, what if it's Stefan?"

"Well then I guess you'll finally have made your choice," he answers. No hesitation, no emotion no sign of anything in those blue-gray eyes of his.

"And what if it's you? I mean, if I come back, on my own, because of you, there is no more sire-bond crap…what then?" this time Damon takes a moment to answer and when he does, his voice is not the same.

"I don't know," he says simply.

"Maybe it won't happen at all," you say and he shakes his head.

"No, that's impossible. You can run from anyone and anything, Elena, but you cannot run from yourself. Feeling…that's who you are. You care, you love, you feel your pain and everyone's around you. That is who you are and you can't change that no matter how hard you try. This type of freedom that you feel now comes with a price and an expiration date, and you have no real control over it."

"I think it would be you," you say and that adorable half smile appears in the corner of his mouth.

"Why do you say that?"

"I don't know…just a feeling."

"I thought you are not supposed to feel?" he mocks.

"And that is precisely my point."


End file.
